The {Unexpected} Moment That Gender Mattered

To find out, or not to find out?

That is the question of the moment.

A question that may or may not be answered tomorrow at our first sonogram. My vote is no, let's wait and let it be a surprise! Steve's vote is, let's go for it!  We're still in debate....

Whenever the question of gender comes up during any of my pregnancies, I've always responded with the conviction that Steve and I are just so thrilled to be having another baby that we happily accept the gender, the health, the entire life of the baby, in whatever way he or she comes to us. We believe that every child is a gift, just as they are, meant to be in the world, meant to be in our family, meant to be loved by us all.

I will always believe that, whole-heartedly.

But, I would be pretending if I didn't admit that there's a great part of me that wonders what it would be like to hold a baby girl in my arms.  To hear her sweet voice, and see her twirl around the room to her favorite songs, to watch a house full of boys, rough and tumble, be softened by the freshness of her feminine qualities, a mysterious wonder to a home completely dominated by testosterone.

Three years ago, at our 20 week sonogram of Charlie, Steve and I were both grinning from ear to ear, ready to see the first glimpses of our precious one.  We had agreed to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl, and waited patiently for the black and white image on the screen to declare the news.  But, I wasn't prepared for the feelings that would flood through me when the tech announced that we were going to have a boy.  I had heard those very words four times previously, and never once felt anything less than thrilled. But, this time was different....and I wasn't expecting it.  Tears came rising up, and I tried with all my might to regain some composure, hoping my emotions might go unnoticed.  Part of me was grateful, deeply grateful, that everything in the picture told us that our baby was growing healthy and strong, but this other part of me, the part that came out of nowhere, felt something of sadness and loneliness, and I couldn't understand why.

For the rest of the day, I went about our normal routine, cooking and cleaning and schooling away the lingering ache in my heart. Then, that night, while lying in bed, I rolled over toward Steve and finally felt free to let the tears flow.  Instinctively, he knew what was coming...

"Why do I feel this way? I feel so much shame right now. How can I love this baby with all my might, and yet, at the same time, feel sad that he is not a girl? That's not fair to him. He deserves all of my love and excitement and anticipation, just as the others have received it. I wasn't expecting this....this feeling of disappointment, nor the terrible feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed."

It's okay if you're throwing things at the computer right now, calling me selfish and ungrateful. Trust me, that's how I felt about myself at the time.  But, when I think back to that experience, I really wish I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.  I wasn't willfully choosing to feel disappointment, it was something I needed to work through, and in the following weeks, I found a peace within all of it.

As much as I love being completely engrossed in the lives of our boys, their wild hearts, their passion for sports and hunting, their need to be rough and loud and feisty and dirty and messy, in my feminine nature there are limits to what I can understand, enjoy and share in common with boys. It is natural then, for one to long for someone with whom they can connect, someone who shares a similar nature, and to enjoy the fellowship, the communion, the "likeness" of being with one who's nature is familiar to them.

I'll admit, there are times when I do feel a little lonely in this house.  The boys plan hunting trips with dad, they want him to throw the football around with them, and conversations about guns, tractors, trucks and other "man stuff" around the supper table is an education for me at best.  Even though I'm not one to sit on the sidelines - I'll happily get out there and play football, shoot the gun and hop on a tractor - truthfully, that's where the boys bond with their dad, it matters little to them whether I tag along or not.

There is no shame in my desire to receive the experience from the Lord of having a girl.  It's quite natural for me to wonder what it would be like to have a little princess in our family. The only shame would be if I retreated interiorly, closing myself off to my little village of boys, because I want someone besides those whom God has given to me. Thankfully, not for a split second, has that ever happened....

In fact, the very instant that Charlie (and every single one of our sons) passed from the hidden place of my womb into the visible world, I fell ever deeper in love with him.  Not a day goes by, that Steve and I don't look at each other and say, "Is it possible to be any more crazy about this kid?"  Even the older boys say that they can't help but smile when he comes into the room. Our love for him, for each of the boys, is what spawns a desire for more children - love multiplied!  Charlie charms us every day with his sweetness, and his the way he cha-cha-chas his little bottom when he runs is hysterical! We are convinced he was sent to remind the older boys to mind their manners.  He keeps us all on our polite toes! As a two year old his favorite sayings are:
No fank you.
Oh, fank you, Mommy!
Yes, pwease.
That's nice.
Of course!
Good Morning! Did you sweep good?

Being the mother of 5 boys is a rare privilege, one that I am deeply grateful for, even in the midst of the challenges and adventures.  I can't imagine my life being any other way, and I wouldn't change it for the world.  I believe that God may not exactly give us what we want, but he always gives us what we need.  These boys need me and I need them.

We'll see who wins the great debate tomorrow.  Either way, we'll be keeping the news under wraps until June.  Sorry! You'll have to wait until then to find out whether Husband #6 will come home from the hospital in pink or blue!